34 months

Sometimes it is a sound, other times it is a smell. Little things that remind me of a life I lived before, or a life I wish to be living now. Pregnant bellies, little blue tidbits, a dog with his boy. Wendy's food.
Do you remember that my sweet? That's the thing, Harrison, I don't know when you stopped here. I like to imagine you were here with me until after you were born. That you saw my face, when I saw yours, but I won't know for many years, will I? Anyway, 34 months ago today, I stopped at Wendy's, which I strongly dislike, and picked up food for Gavyn, Emi, and you and I of course. I remember being upset that we were running so late to Gavyn's soccer practice and it was the only place on the way. Then we raced on to soccer. I remember how it felt to hold you on the walk to the fields. You seemed heavier that night. Were you? Is that what it is like to literally hold dead weight? Morbid thoughts, I know. But they are my thoughts.
We got in the car after soccer camp, and I called Steph, not for any particular reason, but I knew something was wrong. I had to keep my mind occupied as I went under the Dodge Street exit, because I wanted to stop at the hospital. There, I said it out loud, sort of. I got on the intersate at Fort street and I wanted to get off, so that the hospital could tell me I was looney to think something was wrong. I kept feeling a pull at that exit, but I wondered what I would do with Gavyn and Emilia..."excuse me honeys, Momma just needs to stop for a sec..." Steph and I talked on the phone about going to a home show that benefited some charity organization, I remember telling her I would go if she could put up with my cankles and while the words came out of my mouth, my mind was telling me that I would not be pregnant then...but I headed those thoughts with a statement to my soul that I was a pessimist and everything was okay. So I talked my way under the Dodge street exit and went right home.
Sometimes I wonder if God just let me have those next few hours to calmly put the kids to bed, before I would wake to the nightmare that you were gone. Most the time, I know it was God, but in the low points I have wondered.
I love you my sweet boy,
Mommy

Your room

Dear Harrison,

Tonight your sister Charlotte and I are sleeping in your room. Poor Daddy is a bit under the weather. I am hoping it is a combo of  being worn out and lack of caffeine (maybe a bit too much wii playing also!) In any case the germ phobe in me has Charlotte and I out of our room, which is a double bummer, since I had just cleaned it today!

In any case, here we are and as I lay here in bed, I wonder what this room will look like in a few years. (you know, when Charlotte will beg to leave her mommies side...) Actually, it's Gavyn that keeps dreaming of her moving in here. He had planned to have bunk beds in here when we were expecting you and he has kept that dream and wants bunk beds with Charlotte too. He has it all planned out...he will sleep in here every other night! (Lord, please make Charlotte patient with her over loving siblings.) Ahh, your big brother!

I was wondering how we will be able to incorporate you into this room. I had always known when we moved into this house that we would have two boys. (was that because the previous owners had two boys and a girl?) Who knows, I just know that now it is different and I am at a loss, a decorating loss too... I just tell myself that when it's time, there will be a plan, right?

Okay, I think I need to cuddle up to your little sister. All this talk of her moving out of my room makes me want all the cuddle time I have with her! I love you, my sweet. I am sure your place in heaven is perfect, just as you are.

Love,
Mommy

Snow days

Tonight it is snowing out...I always think of you when I see the kisses from heaven falling down from up so high in the sky. It makes me want to run out with my face pointed upward to catch your sweet kisses on my lips.
I love you my sweet,
Mommy

Merry Christmas

Hi my sweet angel,

Another Christmas has gone by with out you and it felt a little empty again. I keep thinking the emptiness will get better, or lessen, just some sort of healing will happen, and although it has gotten better with God's redeeming grace, it is still visible. I wish I could just peek in a looking glass and see you playing at heaven's gate.

Charlotte is amazing and I sat wondering what your personality would be like. Her personality is so much like Gavyn's. Sweet, quiet, an observer before a do-er. Where as Emi is spunky, and lives so very freely. What would you have been like? I still see that curly hair of yours and think you may have been a little of the orneryy, smiley girl that both Emi and your cousin Kamryn are.

Daddy bought me a new laptop for Christmas so that I can write to you more often. I know it may seem silly, but I have so many little conversations with you everyday in my head, I thought this would be a place to just write them all down freely. Someday, we will be able to sit down and talk all about these conversations that I wished I could have had with you on my lap, but this will do won't it?

I love you forever,
Mommy

Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Harrison,
Today has been one of those days where I miss you constantly. I miss the feel of your hand holding mine, I miss temper tantrums in stores, I miss your sweet snuggles. I want to smell your sweet head, ruffle your long curls. I miss you.
For the first time in years, I went Christmas shopping and all I saw was the hole you left. I stood at the counter checking out, looking at the sweet matching boy outfits that you and Gavyn should be wearing. How desperately I wanted to add one to my cart.
I purchased Gavyn's big present at midnight last night and wanted to pick you up a toy too. It hurts, sweetie, to have you away from me. I want you so close.
It's funny how some days I miss you in a longing way and others I miss you in a tear-my-heartstrings-out for you way.
I imagine you right now in a golden glowing field, covered with innocent, pearlized snow laughing. I imagine you have a chuckle that is contagious. I hear it now. Low, sweet chuckling.
I have a love/hate for this time of year. It hurts so bad to want you. Temporary home...temporary home...this is only a temporary home, then I will hold you forever and ever and ever.
Okay, my son, I am going to go now. Gavyn and I are reading Harry Potter (Do you think we would have called you Harry?) I need to go snuggle with Gavyn and Emilia. (I am sure Charlotte will wake soon and want in on the snuggles too.)
I love you.
Mommy

Happy Birthday, my sweet boy.

Dear Harrison,

I sit here tonight at a computer screen, when I should be wrapping up your toys. I should have tucked you into bed (probably in bed with Gavyn, who am I kidding). Kissed your sweet little face, rumpled your dark curly hair and reminded you to stay in bed...then you should have been a twerp and gotten out of bed at least half a dozen times.

I love you.

Instead, here I sit, arms aching for you. Do you know I never held another baby until your sister Chalrotte was born? My arms just physically hurt to hold my baby, my sweet Harrison, my amazing you.

I love you.

Today your dad and I spoke at a grief workshop. (Okay, so I did most of the talking, but your dad, well, he said some really important stuff.)  We told them how easy it was to have Gavyn and Emilia before she was talking and how we miscarried a baby before you and then how we didn't know and couldn't fathom that you would die. We cried that we were so clueless. That I was so clueless. I am sorry sweetie, I didn't know. I have learned that the "what if's" would drive me crazy, but I would have done anything for you. I want you to know that. I want you to know that although I am glad your in heaven, I wish you could have scraped your knee here on earth...I would love to buy you your own bandaids. (Gavyn was so "into" those when he was 2.)

I love you.

I wish that you could hold your sister, Charlotte. She is so amazingly sweet and calm. God's redeeming grace.

I love you.

Gavyn wants to go to the cemetary to wish you happy birthday tomorrow. Emi thought maybe you would come to your birthday party, sweet girl. I told her you would be there, we just wouldn't see you, you are all around us in the love that we feel. I know that, but I still miss you. I will always miss you on this side of heaven.

Because I love you.

So in a few hours, it will be "officially" your second birthday. And I will stand here, wishing you were in my arms like you are in my heart. I will sing Happy Birthday to you and I will rejoice every day that you are my son.No matter how long I held you. No matter how many pictures I have of you, you will always be my sweet third child.

I love you.
Mommy