34 months

Sometimes it is a sound, other times it is a smell. Little things that remind me of a life I lived before, or a life I wish to be living now. Pregnant bellies, little blue tidbits, a dog with his boy. Wendy's food.
Do you remember that my sweet? That's the thing, Harrison, I don't know when you stopped here. I like to imagine you were here with me until after you were born. That you saw my face, when I saw yours, but I won't know for many years, will I? Anyway, 34 months ago today, I stopped at Wendy's, which I strongly dislike, and picked up food for Gavyn, Emi, and you and I of course. I remember being upset that we were running so late to Gavyn's soccer practice and it was the only place on the way. Then we raced on to soccer. I remember how it felt to hold you on the walk to the fields. You seemed heavier that night. Were you? Is that what it is like to literally hold dead weight? Morbid thoughts, I know. But they are my thoughts.
We got in the car after soccer camp, and I called Steph, not for any particular reason, but I knew something was wrong. I had to keep my mind occupied as I went under the Dodge Street exit, because I wanted to stop at the hospital. There, I said it out loud, sort of. I got on the intersate at Fort street and I wanted to get off, so that the hospital could tell me I was looney to think something was wrong. I kept feeling a pull at that exit, but I wondered what I would do with Gavyn and Emilia..."excuse me honeys, Momma just needs to stop for a sec..." Steph and I talked on the phone about going to a home show that benefited some charity organization, I remember telling her I would go if she could put up with my cankles and while the words came out of my mouth, my mind was telling me that I would not be pregnant then...but I headed those thoughts with a statement to my soul that I was a pessimist and everything was okay. So I talked my way under the Dodge street exit and went right home.
Sometimes I wonder if God just let me have those next few hours to calmly put the kids to bed, before I would wake to the nightmare that you were gone. Most the time, I know it was God, but in the low points I have wondered.
I love you my sweet boy,
Mommy

Your room

Dear Harrison,

Tonight your sister Charlotte and I are sleeping in your room. Poor Daddy is a bit under the weather. I am hoping it is a combo of  being worn out and lack of caffeine (maybe a bit too much wii playing also!) In any case the germ phobe in me has Charlotte and I out of our room, which is a double bummer, since I had just cleaned it today!

In any case, here we are and as I lay here in bed, I wonder what this room will look like in a few years. (you know, when Charlotte will beg to leave her mommies side...) Actually, it's Gavyn that keeps dreaming of her moving in here. He had planned to have bunk beds in here when we were expecting you and he has kept that dream and wants bunk beds with Charlotte too. He has it all planned out...he will sleep in here every other night! (Lord, please make Charlotte patient with her over loving siblings.) Ahh, your big brother!

I was wondering how we will be able to incorporate you into this room. I had always known when we moved into this house that we would have two boys. (was that because the previous owners had two boys and a girl?) Who knows, I just know that now it is different and I am at a loss, a decorating loss too... I just tell myself that when it's time, there will be a plan, right?

Okay, I think I need to cuddle up to your little sister. All this talk of her moving out of my room makes me want all the cuddle time I have with her! I love you, my sweet. I am sure your place in heaven is perfect, just as you are.

Love,
Mommy

Snow days

Tonight it is snowing out...I always think of you when I see the kisses from heaven falling down from up so high in the sky. It makes me want to run out with my face pointed upward to catch your sweet kisses on my lips.
I love you my sweet,
Mommy