Merry Christmas

Hi my sweet angel,

Another Christmas has gone by with out you and it felt a little empty again. I keep thinking the emptiness will get better, or lessen, just some sort of healing will happen, and although it has gotten better with God's redeeming grace, it is still visible. I wish I could just peek in a looking glass and see you playing at heaven's gate.

Charlotte is amazing and I sat wondering what your personality would be like. Her personality is so much like Gavyn's. Sweet, quiet, an observer before a do-er. Where as Emi is spunky, and lives so very freely. What would you have been like? I still see that curly hair of yours and think you may have been a little of the orneryy, smiley girl that both Emi and your cousin Kamryn are.

Daddy bought me a new laptop for Christmas so that I can write to you more often. I know it may seem silly, but I have so many little conversations with you everyday in my head, I thought this would be a place to just write them all down freely. Someday, we will be able to sit down and talk all about these conversations that I wished I could have had with you on my lap, but this will do won't it?

I love you forever,
Mommy

Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Harrison,
Today has been one of those days where I miss you constantly. I miss the feel of your hand holding mine, I miss temper tantrums in stores, I miss your sweet snuggles. I want to smell your sweet head, ruffle your long curls. I miss you.
For the first time in years, I went Christmas shopping and all I saw was the hole you left. I stood at the counter checking out, looking at the sweet matching boy outfits that you and Gavyn should be wearing. How desperately I wanted to add one to my cart.
I purchased Gavyn's big present at midnight last night and wanted to pick you up a toy too. It hurts, sweetie, to have you away from me. I want you so close.
It's funny how some days I miss you in a longing way and others I miss you in a tear-my-heartstrings-out for you way.
I imagine you right now in a golden glowing field, covered with innocent, pearlized snow laughing. I imagine you have a chuckle that is contagious. I hear it now. Low, sweet chuckling.
I have a love/hate for this time of year. It hurts so bad to want you. Temporary home...temporary home...this is only a temporary home, then I will hold you forever and ever and ever.
Okay, my son, I am going to go now. Gavyn and I are reading Harry Potter (Do you think we would have called you Harry?) I need to go snuggle with Gavyn and Emilia. (I am sure Charlotte will wake soon and want in on the snuggles too.)
I love you.
Mommy

Happy Birthday, my sweet boy.

Dear Harrison,

I sit here tonight at a computer screen, when I should be wrapping up your toys. I should have tucked you into bed (probably in bed with Gavyn, who am I kidding). Kissed your sweet little face, rumpled your dark curly hair and reminded you to stay in bed...then you should have been a twerp and gotten out of bed at least half a dozen times.

I love you.

Instead, here I sit, arms aching for you. Do you know I never held another baby until your sister Chalrotte was born? My arms just physically hurt to hold my baby, my sweet Harrison, my amazing you.

I love you.

Today your dad and I spoke at a grief workshop. (Okay, so I did most of the talking, but your dad, well, he said some really important stuff.)  We told them how easy it was to have Gavyn and Emilia before she was talking and how we miscarried a baby before you and then how we didn't know and couldn't fathom that you would die. We cried that we were so clueless. That I was so clueless. I am sorry sweetie, I didn't know. I have learned that the "what if's" would drive me crazy, but I would have done anything for you. I want you to know that. I want you to know that although I am glad your in heaven, I wish you could have scraped your knee here on earth...I would love to buy you your own bandaids. (Gavyn was so "into" those when he was 2.)

I love you.

I wish that you could hold your sister, Charlotte. She is so amazingly sweet and calm. God's redeeming grace.

I love you.

Gavyn wants to go to the cemetary to wish you happy birthday tomorrow. Emi thought maybe you would come to your birthday party, sweet girl. I told her you would be there, we just wouldn't see you, you are all around us in the love that we feel. I know that, but I still miss you. I will always miss you on this side of heaven.

Because I love you.

So in a few hours, it will be "officially" your second birthday. And I will stand here, wishing you were in my arms like you are in my heart. I will sing Happy Birthday to you and I will rejoice every day that you are my son.No matter how long I held you. No matter how many pictures I have of you, you will always be my sweet third child.

I love you.
Mommy