Happy Birthday, my sweet boy.

Dear Harrison,

I sit here tonight at a computer screen, when I should be wrapping up your toys. I should have tucked you into bed (probably in bed with Gavyn, who am I kidding). Kissed your sweet little face, rumpled your dark curly hair and reminded you to stay in bed...then you should have been a twerp and gotten out of bed at least half a dozen times.

I love you.

Instead, here I sit, arms aching for you. Do you know I never held another baby until your sister Chalrotte was born? My arms just physically hurt to hold my baby, my sweet Harrison, my amazing you.

I love you.

Today your dad and I spoke at a grief workshop. (Okay, so I did most of the talking, but your dad, well, he said some really important stuff.)  We told them how easy it was to have Gavyn and Emilia before she was talking and how we miscarried a baby before you and then how we didn't know and couldn't fathom that you would die. We cried that we were so clueless. That I was so clueless. I am sorry sweetie, I didn't know. I have learned that the "what if's" would drive me crazy, but I would have done anything for you. I want you to know that. I want you to know that although I am glad your in heaven, I wish you could have scraped your knee here on earth...I would love to buy you your own bandaids. (Gavyn was so "into" those when he was 2.)

I love you.

I wish that you could hold your sister, Charlotte. She is so amazingly sweet and calm. God's redeeming grace.

I love you.

Gavyn wants to go to the cemetary to wish you happy birthday tomorrow. Emi thought maybe you would come to your birthday party, sweet girl. I told her you would be there, we just wouldn't see you, you are all around us in the love that we feel. I know that, but I still miss you. I will always miss you on this side of heaven.

Because I love you.

So in a few hours, it will be "officially" your second birthday. And I will stand here, wishing you were in my arms like you are in my heart. I will sing Happy Birthday to you and I will rejoice every day that you are my son.No matter how long I held you. No matter how many pictures I have of you, you will always be my sweet third child.

I love you.
Mommy